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Coolie Dictionary 2006

Coolie Jokes
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Microsoft Berbice Edition
I was just typing, and this came up.

 

 

CLEVER Guyanese WOMAN

A Guyanese woman and a Guyanese man are involved in a car accident;
it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.


After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So you're a Guyanese man; that's interesting. I'm a Guyanese woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left,
but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from
God that we should meet and be friends and live together
in peace for the rest of our days."


Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with
you completely! This must be a sign from God!"


The Guyanese woman continued, "And look at this, here's
another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of
wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this
wine and celebrate our good fortune."


Then she hands the bottle to the Guyanese man. The man nods
his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle and then hands the it back to the woman. The
woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back
on, and hands it back to the man.


The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"


The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for
the police."

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Guyanese the religion.

Guyanese the religion. - by Asif De Rebel

note : It's written in pure Guyanese, so read aloud to get it. If anything here offends you, by all means bang your head against the wall a few times to show your disapproval.

1. God : Thou can only worship wan god, he name Jagan. If yuh drunk, you can worship someone else, like a cricketer or somebady, but he muss be Guyanese and mek plenty runs.

2. Diet : Thou shud eat everything in e curry form. Yuh can only bruk dis rule to eat cookup. When yuh go out, you muss only order aloo pie, with lots of achar. or fry rice. If yuh order doubles yuh ah Trini wannabe. If you say curry chicken instead of chicken curry, I am ashamed of you. FOR NO TRU TRU GUYANESE SAY CURRIED CHICKEN.

3. Charity : Thou or thy parents should send huge barrels back home. Yuh should send toys and sweetie and tv and video games, and all dem nice things yuh pickney dem nah get here. The only reason is suh , yuh family dem back home, think yuh doin so great and mek lots of money in merika or canada or england or where eva yuh deh.

4. Names : Thou last name can only be Singh, Ram-something, Ali, Khan and proberly like 10 other names we will accept.

5. Promised land : Thou shall always think of Richmond Hill as the promised land. Weh else can you triple park wit yuh Honda, blastin' sum ole music, like Nannie Whine, trying to halla ova de music, fa trouble some gyal pon Liberty Ave wit too much make up on and she schew she teeth, acting like she nah hear yuh.

6. Holy messages : Thou shall watch Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, 6 million times. Yuh only watch de movie, cause everybady be talking about it, you didn't really like it (if you ah guy), but you always tell pple how de movie nice bad, cause dat's what everyone else is saying.

7. Tool : Thou shall know dat the cutlass is a proud an noble tool. From cuttin' cane ah back dam, to brad-siding somebady; show respect.

8. Skills : Thou shall treat stealing as wan art. De better you at teefin' the better Guyanese you are. If you can't teef well, you should make up by knowing alot of teefin' pple. This includes, teefing cable, and goin' to pple house fa hookie jam and teefing thier phone. The most noble of teefin' is he who steal someone remote and den pass by and change the channels.

9. Oral doctrines : Thou shall only sing old old song when drunk. If yuh can't knack drunk pon de table, be sure to have a fellow Guyanese do the hunors.

10. Dress code : Thou shall know someone wit gold teeth. De only reason, is cause you have some unkle who always wan open the bottle wit he teeth. Guess he pay sense now. If you youn' den yuh get fa wear yuh daddy size pants, so it look like eh guh fall down. If you old, yuh get fa wear yuh pickney size pants, and you walk around like man in thights.

11. Messangers : Thou shall only follow messangers like Sridevi, Bachan, Sharuk, and de list ah star bai and gyals go on and on. Some odda messangers are pple like Sundar Popo, Sunny man, Terry Gajraj.

12. Drinking : Thou shall only drink Heinken, Corona, Bacaradi or white rum. Yuh can only get as drunk as the company yuh in. Like if yuh rass ah drink a rum shap with alot of men deh, yuh can only get drunk, when you get home, like then you ready fa talk shupidness and knock down pots. In related issues, if you gonna dance, yuh muss fall down couple times, suh everyone will know yuh drunk fa real. If yuh young, de next day yuh nah stop boasting, how much you drink.

13. Pilgrimage : Thou should go back to Guyana, every few years, and spend madd money, mek sure yuh try fa talk perfect english and act white, with alot of emphassis on ACT, cause pple ah go back ah Guyana and try fa eat muffins with knife and fork. Also tell pple how much white man you smart.

14. Devil : Thou shall know atlest wan person who ketch jumbie. Yuh should also know someone who do obyah, or someone who can tek wan broom an jahray. There is a sect that think Burnham is de devil, but then there is some pple who worship he. So meh nah know wha happend deh.

Ah know there will be many diff versions coming out soon. But always remember the first one is from a tru tru Guyanese, called Asif De Rebel. AsifDeRebel@aol.com
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BALGOBIN JOKES:

TEACHER : Why are you late?
BALGOBIN : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
BALGOBIN : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
TEACHER : Balgobin, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
BALGOBIN : You told me to do it without using tables!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
-TEACHER : Balgobin, how do you spell "crocodile"?
BALGOBIN : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
BALGOBIN : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
-TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
BALGOBIN : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
BALGOBIN : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
-TEACHER : Balgobin, go to the map and find North America.
BALGOBIN : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Balgobin!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
-TEACHER : Balgobin, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
BALGOBIN : Me!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
TEACHER : Balgobin, why do you always get so dirty?
BALGOBIN : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
-BALGOBIN : Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER : I think so. What do you want me to write?
BALGOBIN : Your name on this report card.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
TEACHER : How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
BALGOBIN : Don't bite any.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-**-*-*-*
-TEACHER : Balgobin, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BALGOBIN : I is...
TEACHER : No, Balgobin. Always say, "I am."
BALGOBIN : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
-TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
BALGOBIN : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
BALGOBIN : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
-BALGOBIN : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
BALGOBIN : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
-TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
BALGOBIN : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
-TEACHER : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?
BALGOBIN : Brotherly love?
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
-TEACHER : Now, Balgobin, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
BALGOBIN : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
-TEACHER : Balgobin, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
BALGOBIN : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
-TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
BALGOBIN : A teacher

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

The teacher told her class to write a 1-2 page essay on milk.Balgobin only wrote half a page, so the teacher asks: Balgobin why you only wrote half a page??Balgobin replies: I write about condensed milk!!

Guyanese

Letting go
Feroze was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall.
In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.
Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death.
Full of fear, Feroze cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer.
Again and again he cried out but to no avail.
Finally Feroze yelled, "Is anybody up there? "
A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Who said that?"
"It's the God."
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help. Have faith in me."
"Help me!"
"Just let go."
Looking around, Feroze became full of panic. "What?!?!"
"Have faith in me. Let go. I will catch you."
"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"